Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Carlita means little Carla

"The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls."  Pablo Picasso 

     She was five years old and there she sat holding the tight hand of her mother, Blanquita (little Blanca) on a long, ten-hour bus ride that departed at twelve o'clock, 'pumpkin time'. Off they went to the north end of the pistolita (little gun), because that's what Florida looked like to her. 
     What could possibly have possessed Mum to yearn for this authentically novel life full of the highly rumored encouragements for opportunity?
    "Let's go back to Mama Gloria's." She wisely advised her mother, as the dark hour kept swallowing the inseparable duo into its undefinable depth. Clearly, this adventure into the crepuscular unknown was unmistakably a very, very bad idea. All Carlita had packed in her suitcase was her daily routine which she had keenly perfected at Grandma's: first, ditching the pre-kindergarten attire upon stepping foot onto the cold tile of the house's entryway; then, a quick lunch or sometimes an even longer lunch if forced to eat pacaya - a very bitter and cynical vegetable; - later, a couple of hours of the old lady's telenovelas; some coloring frenzy; scattered chapters of Machiavellian teasing of Uncle Carlitos (little Charles) - a blessed, little chap with down syndrome - and finally, the anticipation of Mom's return home from her second job at the University, so that she could complete some extraneous playtime. Most of the time though, while too-tired-to-play Mom rested her eyes, little Carla would content herself by puppeteering Mom's index and middle fingers into two miniature businessmen with mustaches who intended to open an apothecary in the more upscale neighborhood.
     But by then, their home seemed a million light years away standing old and decrepit on a grassy hill of San Salvador's soil and hopefully illuminated by a vigilant Spanish moon. This memory and her 360 color crayons was all she carried with her. How could she possibly be prepared for this absolute uncertainty of a place?
     Blanquita looked down at her infant and pulled her as close to her bosom, as anyone can enter another being's soul. Fighting her quiver, she attempted to comfort the child until an uncontainable strength within her materialized itself into a phrase: "Where ever you go, there you shall be." She continued, "... and there I will be with you."
.................
This woman was the most stoic form of determination I have ever known in my life. I am blessed she was my mother. Lucky me. That day she put in my suitcase the handiest tool of all.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Bliss

I have a burden.  It's in my heart.  It will not let me breathe.  It makes my head swell and my eyes drip.  I feel crushed by the air.  It's heavy.  I must love it for I allow it.  I must dive in it and be thankful for it.  It is my lover.  It demands my attention.  It wants my peace, my time, my effort.  My throat is clenched.  I long to be heard.  It is imperative that I be loved or I will not survive.  I want to float into the heavens and be featherweight happy.  Bliss.  It's called bliss.

Friday, May 21, 2010

The blue sheep

The hues of my real life soft spoken-ness bring out the bold in these posts... so do you.

It feels yummy in my mommy's belly,
I do not want to come out and play.
What is this game you've invented anyway?
"Simon says walk this way."
Don't care much for 'ol Simon,
Didn't either yesterday.
My legs are awkward, my talk is funny,
You're better off without me honey.
The world's gone mad,
And I'm not glad.
The school's a gag,
Brainwashin' a drag.
My religion? You want that too?
You'll find my "hello my name is" tag
Up ol' Simon's wazoo.
This blue sheep has gone astray,
Did not RSVP to the main flock's part-ay.
No dire cause, no serious dismay,
Not my herd, not this state of play.
I guess it's okay.
It's better this way. 


I nuzzle my flaws, my reservations, my dark side... and that huge zit on my chin. I'm so happy I'm different.
I'm so grateful I'm me.
I'm so grateful I'm me. 

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Something to write about

The page I first wrote a sonnet on is now turning yellow. It was an assignment for English Lit when I was a Senior in High School. The muse of my poem was a boy with whom I was irrevocably smitten. He didn't know I existed until the inelegance of puberty had matured enough to morph my body into an exquisite, little fairy at age 17. He, of course, then noticed. We kissed and fell into first love's grasp.

Because the teacher questioned the authenticity of the sonnet, she gave me an A-. I deserved an A+.
Bitch.

Sonnet
The look upon those eyes of dearest care
which melts the heart in tears of disbelief,
have stricken me to fall in madmen's dare
for you have filled my soul with mellow grief.
The treasure of this truth kept unrevealed
has left you much uncertain of your will
confessing hymns will keep and force lips sealed
with nothing else to feel, but fear to kill.
The reason of this silence, sound of youth
disquiet rules the noble hearts of fools,
with love so strong and painful as to soothe
the lives of two when distance of truth rules.
     How further will this jewel keep unrevealed?
     When two of hearts in silence have been healed.

Monday, May 17, 2010

First thing on the list

Here i am. Welcome. I have scratched the itch to write.
With a little push from my kid sister and some inspiration from Julie Powell's blogging adventure, here i am plastering these walls with words, where thoughts, dreams, hopes, fears and passions belong .
We will soon be introduced properly, but first thing on the list: the purpose of this blog. It is the bastard child of loneliness and depression and God bless it! (Seriously, I live in L.A.) Arising from internal forces 'tis The C List, i.e. how I shunned from falling into the abyss of insanity. The creative calling was not to be ignored. I welcome it and you and will try not to sound too narcissistic or self-absorbed. Already, this is a great start.

A warning: English is not my first language. I'll fancy the enchantment upon unveiling a new word for its poetic charm or handy practicality, but I will sometimes write in Spanish.

This is exciting. Let the thickening of the skin begin. I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to be an 'eternal optimist'. Please put me out of my misery.